melle-belle's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here I quote something awesome that I did not write "I have recently broken up with someone who I did not expect to break up with, and every morning, the earliest time I wake up is suffused with remembering; I can't seem to beat that moment, no matter how early I rise. I once thought that if I traveled in France, I would have a different brain, the brain of a girl who travels in France. I saw myself, skipping through meadows in a yellow and blue print dress. But even with the old buildings, with the bright bready smells, with the painted French sunlight, it was still my same brain in there, chomping as usual, just fed this time by baguettes and brie. "In the mornings I write long circular jounrnal entries when I wake up. Too early. Before work. But even though I am making steady proclamations about who I will go for next, and why, and how it will be different, it is brutal to imagine the idea of meeting a new person. Going through the same routine. Saying the same phrases I have now said many times: the big statements, the grand revelations about my childhood and character. The cautious revealings about insecurities. I have said them already, and they sit now in the minds of those people who are out living lives I have no access to anymore. Awhile ago, this sharing was tremendous; now, the idea of facing a new person and speaking the same core sentences seems like a mistake, an error of integrity. Surely it is not good for my own mind to make myself into a speech like that. The only major untouched field of discussion will have to do with this feeling, this tiredness, this exact speech. "This next person I love, I will sit across from in silence. We will have to learn it from each other some other way." -Aimee Bender, from "On a Saturday Afternoon" 2:56 p.m. - 2008-06-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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