melle-belle's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mother I call my mother on the dates that you really have to: Mother's Day and her birthday. She hasn't called me on my birthday for a good five years. Sometimes she'll call during the same week. This year, facebook was good enough. When I told facebook I quit my job, she wondered when/where/what/why/how. What will you do, she asked. Where will you go, and so on. I heard the judgment. Because she was always miserable, probably thanks to me, how dare I think I deserve better. When I told facebook I had a new job, she asked who/what/when/where/why/how. Seriously, pick up the phone. What the fuck's wrong with you? I am also facebook friends with my mother's mother. I don't actually speak to her anymore, and I don't think I will make an effort to at any point in the future. I don't plan on attending her eventual funeral. Just because she is related to me doesn't make her a good person. She's not an awful person, but she's a selfish, judgmental, two-faced one. She's the perfect Christian woman. I thought the other day about having a daughter myself. Even typing the word daughter makes me feel queasy. Something about it feels so lewd and dirty. I can't stand the smug I-can't-wait-for-her-to-do-to-you-everything-you-did-to-me that is probably coming. No, it's not exactly going to go down the same way, because I won't do to her everything that you did to me. For once in this family, a parent will want more for their children than they had for themselves. Even if you can't give it, shouldn't you want it? Every bit of confidence I ever had, you needed to stifle. Every dream I ever had, you needed to dash. Every achievement I ever had, you needed to minimize. "There are worse things," you told me once, while melodramatically staring into the distance, hinting at some mysterious and pitiable events in your past. As if not being poor, put-upon little you was all I should ever ask for in life. And anything more was not due me. Fuck that. Envy, self-pity and self-imposed martyrdom end with you. 11:14 a.m. - 2011-07-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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